I think there are two distinct types of failure. There is the failure to answer a question right, or a number of questions correctly, on an exam, which has an ON/OFF connotation. Once the outcome of the test is failed, the outcome remains as “Fail.” It may be possible to take the test again or it may be that the opportunity never comes by again.
The second kind of failure is different. It is also a “lack of success”, or “omission of occurrence or performance”, as defined by Merriam Webster. It is the failure that happens that you can discard or redo so that the failure is irrelevant.
I have had some spectacular failures in the kitchen. I didn’t add any water to the bottom pan of a two-pan steamer. Several times. Burning the bottom of one pan completely. And starting a fire.
I put out the fire, turned off the heat, unplugged the smoke alarm, let the pan cool and threw it all away. When I was done, I figured out what else to have. Sometimes, I put the rest of the dinner in the fridge and ordered pizza instead. Other times, I cooked another vegetable, make a salad or switched to pasta. When I burnt the pan, I went out the next day and bought a new pan.
I had the option of saying “I’m horrible at cooking and I’m NEVER going to cook again.” But I had a lot of other options. It wasn’t an irredeemable failure.
Back to the first kind of failure. The failure where you have one shot to do it right. Where the consequences of failure have a lasting impact.
I’m the oldest of six children. I have several siblings that have been in the military over the years. They’ve been overseas and have fought in wars. When they are getting ready for a deployment, I go wherever they are to see them. When they are home on leave I keep my calendar clear and make myself for them at any point of their leave.
Ten years ago, I visited my brother before he left for Iraq. My mom asked if she could go with me. We had separate flights but I met her flight at the airport and she stayed with me. We had time together with my brother.
Our mom passed away one month before my brother came home from that deployment. If I had an “omission of occurrence or performance” (failed) to take my mom to visit my brother, he wouldn’t have those last memories of time spent with mom. That would have been an unrecoverable failure.
Fortunately, the number of “unfixable”, irreparable, never-to-be-done-again, kinds of scenarios don’t make up a big portion of our lives. They are rare and you can learn to spot them. When making choices, and reviewing your options, this type of failure usually has a dire outcome or an outcome with a lot of residual fallout.
Here’s an example. Recently, one of my brother-in-laws had a heart attack. My sister went to the hospital and left her daughters at school because she didn’t want to worry them. One of my brothers and I discussed this decision with her. Her options included leaving them at school or picking them up.
Carry that thought through, looking at the worst case scenario. If their father had died while they were in school, how would they feel about that? There would definitely be a lot of pain, and probably anger and resentment at her. If she had picked them up and their father had died while they were on the way, or at the hospital, it would hurt, but it wouldn’t have that anger and resentment. Picking them up was an option that didn’t have the same irreparable consequences.
Looking at decisions this way can help you understand if this is one of the BIG failures or not. It can also help guide your choices. The next time you feel like you’ve failed at something, figure out which kind of failure it is. Chances are, it’s something you can change or discard, once you think about the options.
I think there are a lot of people who feel like failures most of the day, who then go home and do heroic things like put out fires and still feed everyone
mirandamethis 